Journal Oct. 2, 2013
Feeling tired today. So exhausted the last three days, don't know why. Pushing myself too hard? Coming down with a bug? And my back was pretty sore, too. I decided to take a little time to rest. Okay, largely at Denny's insisting. His attentiveness and concern, as well as his willingness to help with the kids and the house and the meals and tending me, mean so much to me. Such a compassionate critter.
I have been somewhat overwhelmed by the demands of mothering the last few days. Seems like every time I try to focus on something there is a little one fussing or a big one neglecting their duties. Not a feeling I am unfamiliar with. Been at this mothering thing for 14 years. Sheesh... 14 years. For 14 years I have had either a nursing infant to tend or a toddler exploring his/her world and often both at the same time, plus older children to school and spend time with and feed and tend to... wow. It just hits me sometimes how little time I have had to myself with no interruptions, no distractions. The idea of tackling a single project with all my energy... ha!
Yep, it's overwhelming sometimes. It's the most demanding career choice I personally can imagine. But the high activity and long-term commitment are not the only overwhelming aspect.
I have learned that when I am tired and a little stressed, wondering why things are so hard and if I will have the strength to endure the raising of my children, well, I've learned that if I'm feeling that way then I'm missing something important. I have learned that it's easy to neglect enjoying my children.
Today I was tired, yes. I spent the better part of the day in bed. The weather obliged and offered up a thick cloud cover and a bit of rain for my relaxing pleasure. The windows were open, letting in the scents and sounds of fall. I focused on letting the frustration go and tuning in to my life, my children. Did the bickering stop? No. Did the 2yr old figure out that whining doesn't get him what he wants? No. Did the children do their chores without being told? For the most part, no. But they are young humans in training... we are working on these things. You know what else I heard, beyond the crazy pace, when I began to listen?
I heard my children playing together in the yard as the cool fall rain began to fall. They occupied themselves happily for awhile. Little Brook wandered close to the window by my the bed where I lay, and her voice drifted in, singing a sweet song to herself about the rain. If you have never heard a four year old singing when she thinks no one is listening, you have not heard sweetness.
I heard my children playing together in the yard as the cool fall rain began to fall. They occupied themselves happily for awhile. Little Brook wandered close to the window by my the bed where I lay, and her voice drifted in, singing a sweet song to herself about the rain. If you have never heard a four year old singing when she thinks no one is listening, you have not heard sweetness.
(Denny lay near me and we were both moved, sharing the moment as we have learned to share many moments. I always thought the only way these moments could be better is to have someone to share them with, someone who could see and hear and appreciate the subtle nuances of life. Looking into his sweet brown eyes, feeling his hand squeeze mine, sharing a sigh; this has enriched my life beyond measure.)
Later in the day Justin was hanging out with me on the bed, being kind of bouncy and talkative. I decided I wanted more rest so I asked him to go out and play. He obligingly hopped down and headed for the bedroom door. He started to open it then closed it again.
"Wait," he said. "I have to give you a kiss." He toddled back over and planted the tenderest kiss on my cheek, commented, "That's better," and headed out the door. Oh my! There is nothing in the world that compares with the innocent love and unrestrained affection of very young children.
