Well folks, it's coming along. Denny is working hard doing things I usually do around the house to free up a few hours here and there for me to focus on the book. He's eager and encouraging. It's awesome living with my biggest fan.
I have compiled much material from the last year; journal and blog entries, snippets of letters, random notes. It's tricky because I'm not selecting and writing bits on a certain topic, rather I want to give as complete a picture as I can of my life and the changes since I left religion. So much has happened and so many thoughts have been thunk! The focus of my writing changes up a lot; for awhile I'm exploring the immorality of the Bible, then I'm off on my new astronomical hobby, the next moment I am lost in my crumbling marriage. When I first pulled it all together I thought, "What a mess! No one is going to want to read this!" but I have endeavored to join the bits together with shiny new writing and before long I began to see it all as a fascinating whole. Because my religion permeated every aspect of my life the lack of it has also permeated every aspect of my life. Getting free, learning to be human... wow. No part of me has been untouched. I hope you are as fascinated reading about my journey as I have been living it! It's still sort of messy, but that's because it's a complete sort of picture of my very human thoughts and experiences, and humans are, by nature, messy. If you meet one who isn't, he or she is hiding something. Or maybe dead.
Still got plenty of work to do, so while Denny is out in the living room chillin' with our seven rowdy Willies as they play blocks and finish up dishes, I'm going to get back to it. Stay tuned. Maybe next time I'll tell you the title I think I've settled on for the book.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Mothering
Fourteen years ago yesterday I became a momma. Well, I suppose I might say that I began my mothering career nine months before that. I was unwed and terrified, but I faced my circumstance, made up my mind and dove in. I have never regretted my decision to carry that child in my body. (Often I’d regretted marrying her father the month before she was born, but how can I even regret that? I would not have the other children or life experiences I have today.) Two years later another daughter was born to me, and roughly two years later my first son. Within twelve years time I’d borne seven children; four girls and three boys. I will not bear any more.
When I knew I was going to be a mother I also committed to raise any children born to me. I would not send them to day-care so that I could work or have free time, I would not send them to public school for their education, I would even go easy on the baby-sitters. I have sacrificed and worked my tail off to stay at home with them, to give them my constant love and attention, to the best of my ability. Yep, some days I still feel like I am a total failure, but overall I see it is paying off and I certainly feel it’s been rewarding. We have more joy and love than frustration and sorrow. They have a human for a momma, is all. They are little humans, too. But we are humans communicating and working together at this life thing. This is the greatest responsibility and the greatest privilege I will ever know.
My youngest is not quite three years old. If I reckon on him being out of the house by age twenty I am not yet halfway through this parenting thing. Actually, I hear it never really ends and I’m sure I will be mothering until I die, but I may be able to focus on some other things when my youngest goes off to find his way in the world, maybe even before. We’ll see. Today I look at the fourteen year old beauty standing as tall as myself, eyes sparkling with wit, laughing the most contagious laughter you’ve ever heard, and I feel at once honored and intimidated. Together we have to ease her into adulthood and wean me. Then her sister after her, their brother after them, etc.. In my head I know how it works; the application is trickier. I try every day to be flexible and understanding, to make good decisions, trying to balance their freedoms and responsibilities for a smooth adjustment from dependent to independent; holding them close to letting them go. Maybe in another twelve years I’ll have it down pat and the now-three-year-old will be a piece of cake, though I suspect these things never go the way you plan.
For fourteen years I have had the most beautiful lives so intricately entwined with mine. Seven distinct individuals that the universe saw fit to bring into existence through me. I do not mean this in a providential sense, do not mistake me. Believing, as I did once, that Yehovah himself selected me to be mother to these seven special people is not half as amazing to me as my current understanding of the chance of the impersonal universe. How wonderful to me that I should happen to exist at all, let alone exist so entwined with these other lives! Of all the star stuff in the universe, here we are. I look at any of my children and try to remember that they were once within my body, then my mind zips off in a dazzling regress and I see mankind evolving, our earth evolving, the universe evolving… stars exploding and being reborn, bright gases swirling… And here we are.
When I knew I was going to be a mother I also committed to raise any children born to me. I would not send them to day-care so that I could work or have free time, I would not send them to public school for their education, I would even go easy on the baby-sitters. I have sacrificed and worked my tail off to stay at home with them, to give them my constant love and attention, to the best of my ability. Yep, some days I still feel like I am a total failure, but overall I see it is paying off and I certainly feel it’s been rewarding. We have more joy and love than frustration and sorrow. They have a human for a momma, is all. They are little humans, too. But we are humans communicating and working together at this life thing. This is the greatest responsibility and the greatest privilege I will ever know.
My youngest is not quite three years old. If I reckon on him being out of the house by age twenty I am not yet halfway through this parenting thing. Actually, I hear it never really ends and I’m sure I will be mothering until I die, but I may be able to focus on some other things when my youngest goes off to find his way in the world, maybe even before. We’ll see. Today I look at the fourteen year old beauty standing as tall as myself, eyes sparkling with wit, laughing the most contagious laughter you’ve ever heard, and I feel at once honored and intimidated. Together we have to ease her into adulthood and wean me. Then her sister after her, their brother after them, etc.. In my head I know how it works; the application is trickier. I try every day to be flexible and understanding, to make good decisions, trying to balance their freedoms and responsibilities for a smooth adjustment from dependent to independent; holding them close to letting them go. Maybe in another twelve years I’ll have it down pat and the now-three-year-old will be a piece of cake, though I suspect these things never go the way you plan.
For fourteen years I have had the most beautiful lives so intricately entwined with mine. Seven distinct individuals that the universe saw fit to bring into existence through me. I do not mean this in a providential sense, do not mistake me. Believing, as I did once, that Yehovah himself selected me to be mother to these seven special people is not half as amazing to me as my current understanding of the chance of the impersonal universe. How wonderful to me that I should happen to exist at all, let alone exist so entwined with these other lives! Of all the star stuff in the universe, here we are. I look at any of my children and try to remember that they were once within my body, then my mind zips off in a dazzling regress and I see mankind evolving, our earth evolving, the universe evolving… stars exploding and being reborn, bright gases swirling… And here we are.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
An Attitude of Gratitude
I reckon the Thanksgiving holiday is just around the corner, but I really wasn't thinking about that when I wrote the following, I was just bubbling over with thankfulness and got to thinking about thankful people. Anyway...
I know of no more admirable character trait than a sense of appreciation. When I think of the people I have known this one thing stands out. I like to be around people who appreciate me, who appreciate others, who appreciate being alive and all the little things there are to appreciate about life. But, I think the appreciation cannot stand alone; it must be communicated. Those who find ways to express their appreciation, they are the real gems. And if you think about it, the complaining ungrateful are some of the most difficult people to be around.
If I could, I would give you amazing advice on how to rise above your sad circumstances and be thankful. I can only tell you to practice and I can’t guarantee results. Find something to be thankful for and express gratitude wherever you can; you will never regret it. Honestly, I have known some pretty grim circumstances; sometimes I rose above and sometimes I sunk very low. These days I am overflowing with gratitude and expressing it is easier than ever. I have never had so much to be thankful for. Finding new ways to express it is my only complication at present. I love working on this little problem.
It seems to me that an attitude of gratitude is one of the most important things we can bring to a relationship. Start at home. Express your appreciation for your husband, wife, partner, your children, siblings and parents. Let them know how much they mean to you. Often. Many times daily. It’s easier to trust someone whom you believe appreciates you. How such a small thing can strengthen a relationship!
Try spending some time thinking about beautiful things and develop a general air of appreciation. Start small if you must; flowers, butterflies, running water, smiles; work your way up to the stars, if you can.
Of the people you know, how many are thankful and how many are bitter complainers? What about the people in between, who just don’t communicate at all? Which are you? It seems to me like the majority of people are more likely to speak up only when they have something negative to say. What a shame. Why not step up and express gratitude instead? Have we become so self-focused and proud? Feeling entitled is a sure-fire way to kill gratitude. If you need to turn around, remembering that the universe owes you nothing is a good place to start.
I know of no more admirable character trait than a sense of appreciation. When I think of the people I have known this one thing stands out. I like to be around people who appreciate me, who appreciate others, who appreciate being alive and all the little things there are to appreciate about life. But, I think the appreciation cannot stand alone; it must be communicated. Those who find ways to express their appreciation, they are the real gems. And if you think about it, the complaining ungrateful are some of the most difficult people to be around.
If I could, I would give you amazing advice on how to rise above your sad circumstances and be thankful. I can only tell you to practice and I can’t guarantee results. Find something to be thankful for and express gratitude wherever you can; you will never regret it. Honestly, I have known some pretty grim circumstances; sometimes I rose above and sometimes I sunk very low. These days I am overflowing with gratitude and expressing it is easier than ever. I have never had so much to be thankful for. Finding new ways to express it is my only complication at present. I love working on this little problem.
It seems to me that an attitude of gratitude is one of the most important things we can bring to a relationship. Start at home. Express your appreciation for your husband, wife, partner, your children, siblings and parents. Let them know how much they mean to you. Often. Many times daily. It’s easier to trust someone whom you believe appreciates you. How such a small thing can strengthen a relationship!
Try spending some time thinking about beautiful things and develop a general air of appreciation. Start small if you must; flowers, butterflies, running water, smiles; work your way up to the stars, if you can.
Of the people you know, how many are thankful and how many are bitter complainers? What about the people in between, who just don’t communicate at all? Which are you? It seems to me like the majority of people are more likely to speak up only when they have something negative to say. What a shame. Why not step up and express gratitude instead? Have we become so self-focused and proud? Feeling entitled is a sure-fire way to kill gratitude. If you need to turn around, remembering that the universe owes you nothing is a good place to start.
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