Considering the World

September 10, 2014

Here we are, on our way home from Hannibal, Missouri, the childhood home of Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) and the office of a lovely oral surgeon who was good enough to remove my eldest child’s wisdom teeth from her small, crowded mouth so that her braces might be more effective in correcting her teeth. Little of that is relevant to this blogpost, but since when have I limited myself to the relevant?

Long drives are good for conversations. Denny and I have been talking while Farra snoozes in the backseat, gauze hanging out of her mouth. 

I’m fascinated by landscapes. I’m fascinated by humankind's impact upon the earth. (More pleasantly by the former, less so by the latter.) This particular trip took us further north in our state than I’ve ever been. As we got up past St. Louis the land began to stretch out in bigger, flatter fields of corn, a little less rolling with less rugged forest than we have down in the St. Francois Mountain foothills. I consider the scenery and imagine it in other parts of the world. I marvel at the vastness of our small planet. So much happening on this little earthship floating around space.

And look at all these buildings, these roads, these motor vehicles transporting people hither, thither and home. Yes, I think about ants and how we are similar in many ways.

Once upon a time, humankind didn’t exist. Now we rule the world and have unveiled the Apple Watch.

Look at what we are capable of!

I’m growing fond of Apple. Actually, the only time I have ever seen a gadget advertised that I felt drawn to was when the first iPad was released. I remember thinking, “Now THAT is cool.”  They have a remarkable way of bringing amazing technological advances to the layperson. Few people have heard of the Large Hadron Collider, one of the world’s largest machines and a fascinating example of what humankind can do when it puts its collective mind to something (watch Particle Fever if you get a chance), but I don’t know anyone personally who doesn’t own an i-something or at least know what it is.

So what?

Well, so we privileged 1st-worlders are without excuse. When you look at the technological advances in the last 100 years, in the last 50 years, and project forward at the same rate of progress, you see we are capable of doing what we need to do to save ourselves.

And we need this. We have royally f**ked things up. If the rate of destruction continues without intervention, our species simply won’t last and, to boot, we’ll take a large number of other species with us on our way out of existence.

No, it’s not all us. Even if we get our shite together this planet has an end-date. If not by asteroid sooner, we will eventually be fried and absorbed by the growing star we call Sun. This planet has an expiration date. In as little as a few hundred million years (yes, very little in the grand scheme of things) Earth will likely be inhospitable. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to be comfortably established in a new solar system by then?

And why not, I say? We are fully capable of preventing our self-destruction and coming up with a way to get off of this rock when we need to, before it becomes an unbearable sauna.

But is humankind thinking of these things? Mostly no. We haven’t made it over our excitement of the Apple Watch and how it will improve our daily jog.

I’ve thought a great deal lately about the evolution of humankind. In a way our collective species focuses on our primitive needs; food, water, shelter, reproduction; not so different from other animals. Because of our consciousness we tend to take these things to excess, always striving for more. Tastier food (not necessarily more nutritious), larger homes filled with more stuff, sexual partners to satisfy all of our desires. Yes, we are so focused on these things. We create industries out of need and desire. We run, run, run, trying to have it all plus a bag of Jelly Babies. We want to feel good. Turn on the TV. It’s all about feeling good.

But there ARE people who are thinking of other things. I like to think it’s part of our evolution. Maybe someday, if we haven’t killed ourselves first, the collective humankind will focus more on what is good for us (and other species) than what feels good. (Insert Star Trek references here.)

It wasn’t that long ago that my focus was very limited. My world revolved around my home, my husband, my children, living righteously, and looking to the return of Christ, just as the Bible says a woman’s world should.

Titus 2 tells older women to “admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.”

Later in the same chapter, “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ.”

I took those words to heart.Also these:  1 Thessalonians 4: “Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before.”

As a believer I needn’t worry, God had things under control. I did, still, I admit. Occasionally. And about things that hit close to home.  But the future of humankind was laid out in scripture. We were to do our best here on earth in the time that we had, acting our part in God’s grand play, for he had a wonderful future in store for us: admittance to his kingdom. That was all we needed to focus on.

I see this all around me here in the bible belt. People who take God’s word somewhat seriously, people who believe he is returning soon. They act accordingly. What do you suppose that looks like? How do you suppose that effects the collective mind?

Denny and I have an acquaintance, a local religious man with whom we’re friends on Facebook. Time and again he tells us, “I don’t care if you believe or not, so why do you care if I do?” 

For starters, that doesn’t make him a very good christian.  That aside, I care because what we believe about the world determines the way we act. The way we act determines the outcome of our species, many other species, and the earth itself. I care very much about this because we’re all in this together.

Inevitably these thoughts and conversations come down to, “Well, what can I do about it?”

Denny has lived most of his life as an activist. He has observed, studied, contemplated, and acted; all in the name of the betterment of humankind. 

I was going to go somewhere else with that. I was going to contrast it with the way I had been living my life inside my bubble. But it strikes me that I was doing the same thing with my life, as are many sincere bible believers today. We just had/have a different set of facts before us on which to act.

Hmmm.

Believers will ask, “Wouldn’t you rather be safe than sorry?”  They suppose that we would all be better off assuming there is a god, so that when we die we can live in eternal bliss. (They also assume we have some ability to believe in things that we don’t believe in, as though it were a switch we could flip.)

Why not turn it around? Why not ask the believers to consider living as though Jesus isn’t coming back, as though this life is all we have, that this world is all we will be able to pass on to our children when we die. How, then, would we live?

Denny did spend his time in a considerably different sort of active, thoughtful way. He poured every ounce of energy he had into making a difference in the world. In a way, after many years, he burned out. He didn’t stop caring—well, not entirely—but he changed focus. Me, I am only just now beginning to see the world the way it really is, to see humankind's possible demise contrasted with our potential. I’m excited, amazed, saddened, outraged, thrilled, afraid, hopeful…

Our conversations have been interesting, to say the least.

A teacher at heart, I always want to know how to apply things practically. How do we take all of these thoughts and put them to good use in our lives? What do we teach our children?

There must be some balance. Ahhh, you knew I was going to say that, didn’t you?

If this life is all we have, both our personal lives and the life of humankind on earth, then why not make the most of it? Why not just enjoy it? There’s no end to the things I find beautiful and just plain enjoyable. I’d need eight lives to cover it all.

But can we balance it with living considerately, with a mind to the future. It’s so cliche, but it really does come down to individuals. If everyone made decisions and lived each day with tomorrow in their sights…  No, it doesn’t seem like much when it’s just you, but it matters. “Just you,” not only makes a difference, you make an impression on others and the effect snowballs.

You don’t need me to tell you all the things you can do to make a difference. If you really can’t think of something, that’s what Google is for. But please, don’t just leave it to someone else. What if all the someone elses decided to leave it to someone else?

Work with me, people. Work and play and enjoy a meaningful meaningless life with me.

Reflections of an Unintentionally Undercover Atheist

I went to the dentist earlier this week.  I’ve only been to this office once, but I like the people, they’re friendly.  Having taken the children to a dentist in a nearby town and getting my oldest into an orthodontist up near St. Louis I’ve come to the conclusion that people in and around the dental profession are some of the friendliest, sweetest-natured professionals in the world.  I’m told they have to be because so many people hate dentists.  But that’s not what I want to talk about today.

While laid back in the dentist’s chair, waiting for him to return to finish the work he’d begun on my teeth, the hygienist and I made small talk; weather, gardening, kids.  Mostly only interesting because half my mouth was numb.  The context of our conversation was irrelevant, benign really.  At some point she interjected something about the sermon she’d heard in church Sunday, about how we are to love each other in spite of our failings, how we are accountable to God and not to men.

I had no words at the time for this absurdly interjected piece of faith-related small talk.  Granted, I was also having tools shoved in my mouth again, which somewhat limits my conversational abilities, but I lay there thinking that I could say something to the effect of, “As an atheist I don’t believe we have to answer to anyone when we die, but we answer to each other while we live and yes, it is best to love others.”

This has stuck with me.  More and more often these things stand out to me.  It occurs to me that people outside the Bible Belt might really have no clue how public religion has become.  It is not a personal thing anymore, if it ever was.  In Smalltown Midwest America faith in God and involvement in church is the rule, not the exception.  It is assumed that you are one of them.

Yes, one of them; us and them.  I cannot see it differently.  I immediately feel like an outsider when someone starts talking about their faith, like I’m some kind of spy, an undercover agent.  If this person knew they were talking to an atheist…  I wonder what would happen if I were to be found out?  Should I reveal myself before they say anything more to incriminate themselves?

But what if I don’t want to announce my unbelief to the world?  As it is, it takes effort to push this glaring difference aside and remember that this is just another human being in front of me with whom I might have all kinds of different and amazing things in common.  Humanity; focus on the humanity.  But isn't it interesting that no one stops to ask if their conversation partner is a believer?  I guess they just assume we are or hope that something they say will intrigue us if we’re not.

It occurred again today.  Seth and Blue went in for their first dental check-up/cleaning.  The hygienist and I chatted about the weather, the children, laundry, gardening, my dental care.  When she found out which practice I use she raved about what a wonderful doctor and staff they were and punctuated this with the statement: "You know, they pray every morning before they begin their day’s work."  I was supposed to be impressed.  She didn’t ask me whether I believed in the power of prayer.  I smiled and didn’t comment and wondered what I could or should say.  I wondered this all the way home.  That’s interesting.  I don’t personally believe in the power of prayer.  I used to, but I’m an atheist now.  I could have told her about my first book, written about my first year post-bible, a copy of which I happened to have with me.  Part of me wishes I’d spoken up.  I almost feel deceitful not saying anything (am I ashamed of who I am?) but another part of me insists I don’t need to go there.  What would be the point?  I needn’t broadcast my unbelief to anyone.  However, I was yet again suddenly thrust into the position of Unintentionally Undercover Atheist.  If I didn’t make myself known, was I merely cementing her assumption that I shared her delusion?

Apparently.

Soon after the above she recommended a movie her family had just gone to see; “Heaven Is For Real.”  She raved about it.  She raved about the book and insisted we read it, that we would love it, that it proves the existence of heaven.  I didn’t know all the details of the story, but I began to imagine, and again I wondered if I should speak up?  I asked her what it was about, buying myself information and time to process my thoughts.  As she excitedly told the story of this three year old boy who had died and returned to life with tales of lost loved ones and Jesus and angels singing, my mind bubbled and boiled; possible responses, observations about the situation itself and how odd to have two such situations in one week, both with dental hygienists no less, skeptical thoughts about the story…

What I wish I’d said:  “That sounds interesting.  I’m personally very skeptical of such stories and happen to be a former christian turned atheist who doesn’t believe in an afterlife.”  It could have turned into a conversation about how such anecdotal evidence is not true evidence.

What I actually said:  “Hmm.  Interesting.”

Some days I just don’t feel up to engagement.  It’s been one of those weeks for me, to be honest; worse than my occasional withdrawn mood.  Feeling very much like I would just like to crawl in a hole and take a break from the world.  Rather, I'd like to work in the garden with absolutely no distractions for a week.  The social demands upon this introvert have been high and I’m drained, but it doesn’t stop my mind from engaging.

The encounter from earlier in the week joined this one in my brain for a good workout, running laps and jumping jacks; mental fitness during the forty-five minute drive home.  Does it bother me that religious people are often outspoken?  No.  I don’t mind people sharing their passions.  It does get under my skin a little bit now because I see christianity as a huge lie, but even that doesn’t bother me too much as religion is simply, apparently, part of the human experience.  The presumption that I am a believer or, at the very least, interested gets to me bit more; a person wouldn’t just start in talking about golf assuming I knew about golf or was interested.  Why not ask before diving in?  But this is a cultural thing and I suppose some allowance should be made for it.  No, what begins to gnaw at me is that I am put in the position of being an atheist, undercover or otherwise.  There would be no atheists if there were not theists.  Because theism defines the majority of people around me, by default I find myself an atheist, a label I would otherwise not burden myself with. 

I did not go out into the world this week to share with anyone about my unbelief in God.  I don’t feel the need to spread atheism wherever I go (though I am interested in teaching skepticism and critical thinking, reason and logic).  I don’t feel the need to engage with every christian who brings up God or Jesus or the bible.  So what is an unintentionally undercover atheist to do?  I was content to discuss the gorgeous spring weather, swap gardening tips and enthusiasm, connect with other parents about the interesting children in our lives or, imagine, just get some freakin’ dental work done on myself and the children without the staff referencing their imaginary friends.

And I think this is why I don’t speak up sometimes.  Fighting the division, trying to focus on the humanity, on the commonality.  

But, I am an atheist.  And as I think about it, I guess I’m an atheist not only because others are theists, but because I once was a theist myself.  Atheism exists because theism exists, generally, but this is part of my character now.  Part of me.  I do believe that, however it started and why-ever it continues, belief in the bible god is some sort of delusion.  And I saw the wizard behind the curtain.  I cannot unsee it.  I have been down that road.  With hard work and a pinch of chance my journey has been forever altered.

As a christian, I would not have taken kindly to being called delusional.  Or ignorant, but I think ignorant is the most appropriate word.  And for the most part there is no “sin” in ignorance.  Looking around me now and thinking back to my own past, I think there are some who are willfully ignorant, some who are not, and some mixture.  It just does not occur to some to question things.  Some refuse to question past a certain point.  Some question and feel they have found answers, but don’t understand about the scientific method, about evidence, about peer review, about logic and reason.  I fell into the latter category.  I now understand the work involved in flushing out truth.

Ignorance does not equal innocence and is not an acceptable condition to remain in.  An awful lot of damage can be done by the ignorant.  I daresay that’s when most of the damage is done.  Christianity, any bible-based religion, has done its share.  There are consequences to ignorant thought and behavior. I’ve written about some of those before.

So, I am torn, always.  I often hold back in random engagements as described above then unload in writing.  So, am I an outspoken atheist?  I guess I’ll accept the title, since I wrote a book largely about that.  But, like I said, I don’t feel the need to spread atheism wherever I go.  I will occasionally counter christianity when I meet it.  I will attempt to do so in a thoughtful fashion.  I do not aim to provoke and I do not aim to convert.  I am hungry for reason.  I am thirsty for mobs of critical-thinking humans who can begin to make necessary changes to our culture and our world.

A friend suggested to me this evening that people need the idea of God.  Not that he believed God existed, but that the idea of God exists and it exists for a reason.  I admit to believing that the God idea, in its many variations, came directly out of humanity’s attempts to understand itself.  As my friend seemed to be explaining, humanity needs to believe in God to explain the great unexplainable fortunes and calamities of life.  I personally don’t feel the need for this in my life.  I truly don’t.  I've had it, now it’s gone, and I feel my life is much richer without it, more focused.  Denny feels this way, also.  I know many others who do not feel the need for God, but I know many who do.  I know some who reject the bible god, but embrace the idea of a higher power.  It looks to me like they desire what mankind has always desired: a reason for life’s mysteries.  Without getting into my thoughts on the “God of the Gaps” (expounded upon in my book, “Free to Be.”  Today’s mysteries are tomorrow’s knowledge), I see humanity giving God credit for its good accomplishments, accepting blame and condemnation from God for our failings, and believing that all we have do to do is ask forgiveness and he will make everything better.  

It’s an astounding system, a perfect system designed by a humanity that doesn’t know what to do with itself or doesn’t want to bother.  

Personally, I would rather wipe away all the religion, all the ideas of higher power, and get down to bare humanity.  We will look our accomplishments in the eye and own them.  We will look our “sins” in the eye and own them.  We will look around us and ask, “What can we do differently?  What steps can we take to improve ourselves,” instead of waiting for God to perfect us.  We will offer each other the best that we have, physically and emotionally; all that energy we used to pour into worship of God, prayer, bible study, church-building and missions.  I think only then will we be able to heal our communities, save ourselves, save our planet and fellow species.  It will only happen when we accept who and what we are and stop looking to God for answers.  When we stop leaning on the crutch of God and stand on our own damned feet.

One more thing happened today to ‘cause me to stand up a little straighter and look my culture in the eye, unashamed of my non-theism, unashamed of my humanity.

I donated one of my books to my local library.  I’d also had some book-promo bookmarks made up and had left a stack of them with my librarian who set them on the counter with the usual library bookmarks.  A homeschool mom friend writes christian romance novels and I remembered that she had done the same a couple years ago with her bookmarks and that they had prominently displayed her book with a placard declaring “Local Author.”  My librarian friend informed me that a religious patron took my entire stack of bookmarks to “show her minister.”  Stole the whole stack.  My friend wasn’t present at the time, but learned this from another librarian who happens to be a christian.  She suggested to him that he might want to reconsider promoting my book.  I was also told that a new employee, a young christian, saw my book on the shelf (awaiting processing and Dewey Decimal assignment) and scoffed at it.

So, returning to the list of things that bother me about my recent interactions, it burns me a great deal knowing that if I were to speak as freely about my atheism as christians do about their theism, I would be met with considerable ugliness and be seen as antagonistic and divisive.  The playing field is not level.  The idea that my book could not be as freely promoted by my local library as a christian romance novel rather raises my ire.  I do not ask special treatment, but equal treatment.  In the asking of such I will likely be viewed as a militant atheist.

Bring it on.

I will be calling the library headquarters next week to see if they have a policy regarding promoting local authors.  I will avoid discussing the subject matter of my book and go from there.  I will also be talking to them about setting up a book signing/reading at my local branch.  From there I will see about getting my book into some stores in the area (there’s only one book store in my town and it’s christian.  Hmm).  I think I’m ready.

I, like everyone I know, am just a human being trying to find my way.  I will be met with opposition because my journey is against the grain of my immediate culture, but I will stand tall, unashamed of my experiences and who I am, and I will do my best to connect with my fellow humans.

Free to Discriminate?

I support gay rights.  It breaks my heart to see other human beings bullied, stigmatized, shamed, frowned upon or otherwise discriminated against, especially when the source of belief that supports such behavior comes from a work of literary fiction.

When I first heard the story of the gay couple who were refused service by a bakery (a custom wedding cake) for religious reasons, and the ensuing lawsuit claiming discrimination, I stood with the business owner.  I imagined myself as a business owner and I wouldn’t want someone telling me I had to serve someone whose behavior or values were so offensive to me.  I probably wouldn’t rent space to or design a website for the KKK.  If a customer was causing a disturbance or shoplifting I would refuse them service.  I used to be religious, so I can even imagine the dilemma of being in the position of having to reject the things God rejects.  I think that falls under religious freedom.  As much as I think the religious have far too many privileges that the rest of us don’t have, at this point in time our country does grant religious freedoms.

This right to refuse service to gays thing has gone viral.  People are pushing for it, trying to pass laws in every state to protect business owners.  But, I’m a gay rights supporter now.  And the folks on that side are screaming "discrimination," saying this is no different than the race issue, that America is reverting, that if we allow discrimination against homosexuals then we will also have to allow businesses to refuse service to blacks again.  

I see that side, too.

And I’m still in the place, so close to my religiosity, struggling to shimmy free of it, that I now assume my first gut reaction is the wrong one, the inherently Christian one, and that the other side is right.  I gotta learn to trust myself more.  Slow down, think it through.  I don’t feel too bad ‘cause this is a hella crazy social issue.  There may be no right answer.

I empathize with the discriminated.  It’s sad that there are people in our varied American culture who continue to condemn others in such a fashion.  I generally support the gay community in their plight for equality.  I’m just not sure if fighting these “right to refuse” bills is going to change anything.  It puts a lot of non-gays unnecessarily on the defensive, opens a whole other can of worms (business owner’s freedoms across the board), and for what?  So you can do business with those who would chose to refuse you service if they could?  Why would you give these people your business?

I’m thinking maybe just let this one go.  Winning this one isn’t going to gain you the respect and equality that you want.  Give them what they want.  They want the right to refuse service to whomever they choose?  Fine, but under one condition: they post it.  It must be clearly posted whom they are discriminating against.  Now consider this for a moment… They must tell the world that they are haters.  With their freedom to discriminate also comes a customer’s freedom to discriminate.  With their hard-earned cash.  The gay community and their many supporters can take their business elsewhere.  I personally wouldn’t give a dime to a discriminating business and I would politely let them know this.  Maybe they will see that discrimination isn’t good business sense.  Maybe eventually they will see it doesn’t make sense in our society.

Is there a better solution?  Is there any good solution in a situation where one party chooses to hate another?

I have seven children.  I can make my children play with each other, but sometimes they just don’t want to.  (We never have hate issues, just an occasional bad mood.)  If I force the situation they never play nicely.  Usually the best approach is to let it work itself out (maybe with just a little observational instruction from Momma).  It’s made clear to the child with the bad attitude that the other children don't want to play with him or her unless he or she is playing nicely.  This child then plays alone in another part of the same room.  It never fails that between loneliness and the combined laughter and enjoyment of the other children, he or she is lured out of the corner to join pleasant society.

Maybe we should revisit Robert Fulghum's All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten:

Most of what I really need
To know about how to live
And what to do and how to be
I learned in kindergarten.
Wisdom was not at the top
Of the graduate school mountain,
But there in the sandpile at Sunday school.

These are the things I learned:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life -
Learn some and think some
And draw and paint and sing and dance
And play and work everyday some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world,
Watch out for traffic,
Hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.